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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.