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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.