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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"