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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch