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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.