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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
heyy lol
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.