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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.