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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
why we do not have a romance class...............