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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.