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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.