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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Girls just wanna have funds.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.