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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.