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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.