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Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.