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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I’m in no shape to exercise.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.