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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I never finish anyth...............
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.