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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.