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I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.