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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.