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One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.