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20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional