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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?