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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.