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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second