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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. Iām starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw