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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?