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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..