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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I’m late for a disappointment.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
There is no time to check time
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.