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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....