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Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it