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There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”