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I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.