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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.