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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.