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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin