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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work