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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?