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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I’m bored enough to clean.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media