Daily Silly Status

If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(

Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.

I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)

I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.

I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.

I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.

There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”

I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...

Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.