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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I try not to limit my madness to March.