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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.