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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.