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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!