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Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
There is no time to check time
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.