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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business