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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Pro tip for picking up girls ā keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.