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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.