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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.