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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5