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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.