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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside