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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!