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I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
We get it poets: things are like other things
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.