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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.