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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.