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FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.