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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Iām the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.