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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”