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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke