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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”