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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
That moment when being uncool, is cool