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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it