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I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.