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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.