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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.