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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.