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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, Iām pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?