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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.