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OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy