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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!