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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles