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Partying on my level requires years of training.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.