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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."