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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops