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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?