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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.