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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.