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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.