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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Never squat with your spurs on
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!