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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.