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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I am not as think as you drunk I am
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.