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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace