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Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.