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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.