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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.