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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.