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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Iād slap you but Iām pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point