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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.